I’ve always considered myself cucumber-calm. Cucumbers have a high water content, causing them to feel cool to the touch, even on a hot, sultry day.
I am calm as a cucumber.
I’m not easily riled, upset, angered, or surprised. My moods don’t fluctuate wildly.
I’m steadfast and immovable in my convictions. I can weather harsh storms with arms akimbo.
Many times I’ve been called upon to serve as an emotional companion through trauma.
So, anxiety?
Me?
Never.
“Everything works out in the end”, I say with a thumbs up.
“And if it doesn’t, well, another way will be found.
Nothing to get yourself in a tizzy about,” I reassure.
So what is this shaking in my body? This trembling from the inside out? It’s like my frame has been replaced with a volcano.
My organs, quaking lava inside.
My blood becomes electric, pulsing waves of adrenaline. The feeling of impending doom stirs deep in my gut, boiling up into shakes and tremors.
It took me years to identify this feeling. I used it as fuel to get things done quickly. I chalked it up to a caffeine rush or excitement for deadlines.
When I first heard the term Internal Tremors, I had already been diagnosed with Young-Onset Parkinson’s Disease. A tremor on my right side had become a constant annoyance. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to feel this vibrating, unpleasant churning inside my body. Discovering its link to anxiety further disassociated any ownership of this symptom, as, in my mind, I was still “cool as a cucumber”.
But you can have anxiety and peace of mind at the same time.
At least 30% of people with Parkinson’s Disease are affected by internal tremors, and a significantly higher percentage of women with PD report suffering from internal tremor*. But this could be that some men or even a great number of PWP are not aware that this “internal earthquake” is a prominent symptom of Parkinson’s Disease.
Many experience relief from internal tremor with PD medication. Some employ calming techniques, such as breathwork, stretching, or other movement.
Internal Tremor is reported as a most bothersome symptom of Parkinson’s Disease. Internal Tremor can increase heart rate, may manifest as breathlessness, tremors, fidgeting, and overall increased movement.
So while in my head, I might feel cool as a cucumber, my body is often jittery as a junebug, thanks to Parkinson’s Disease.
*Chahine LM, Arbatti L, Hosamath A, Amara A, Anderson KE, Purks J, Eberly S, Kinel D, Mantri S, Mathur S, Oakes D, Standaert DG, Weintraub D, Shoulson I, Marras C. Internal tremor in people with Parkinson’s Disease: Demographic characteristics and comorbid symptoms. Clin Park Relat Disord. 2023 Nov 7;9:100229. doi: 10.1016/j.prdoa.2023.100229. PMID: 38045566; PMCID: PMC10689282.